When a child is born, so too is a mother.
It’s been twenty months since my son was born. Twenty months, six days and sixteen hours to be exact. Twenty months since my life changed both for the better, and beyond anything I could have imagined. I now have a toddler who in the blink of an eye will be celebrating his second birthday. He is walking, babbling and exploring. It is remarkable how much he has changed, and continues to change.
But this post is not about my son. As much as he is the love of my life – indeed of so many lifetimes – this post is about me.
I consider myself to be a fairly self-aware person. In fact, sometimes too self-aware. Since 2008 in the pursuit of my spiritual journey and self-development, I have at times been guilty of naval gazing. On the plus side this meant I consciously prepared for conception – mind/body and soul. During my pregnancy I not only took care of my health but also read a number of books to prepare for the birth, breastfeeding, the fourth trimester, and to understand what post-partum depletion might look like etc. I took several courses, had candid conversations with other parents, talked things through with doulas and other maternal experts. I meditated, journaled and all the rest.
Yet nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced in the year or so following Asher’s arrival earthside. With the benefit of hindsight, writing and publishing my first book and launching a new business during that tender post-partum stage and hormonal haze of exhaustion that is life with a newborn, didn’t exactly make my life easier. I went into hibernation as a means of coping with the juggling act of multiple responsibilities. Just as I began to feel ready to poke my head out of my cozy nest– the world locked down. I found myself with a six-month old in the middle of an unprecedented (for our lifetime) global pandemic.
But this post is also not about the pandemic, nor me sharing my woes. Yes, it has been extremely difficult at times. Equally I am fully aware of how lucky my family and I have been, and of how privileged we are. For what they are worth, I will save those musings for another time.
“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” Osho
It has taken me a long time to really understand these words of the famous teacher Osho (also known as Rajneesh). In that time, I have been through what I can only describe as an identity crisis, followed by a powerful and at times painful process of conscious dissolution. Over the last six weeks or so, since we welcomed Spring and my family and I moved home, I have gone through a rebirth. This has resulted in many changes, some professional, others personal, all deeply spiritual. The long and the short of it is that I am not the woman I was on September 10 when I was admitted to the hospital. As much as my womb was my son’s first cozy home and I was the vessel through which he entered this world, the truth is that in the early hours of September 12 2019, two of us were born. One of us just didn’t know it.
Twenty months or so later, I am reborn. Nonetheless just as my son is growing and learning each day, so too am I. I am still getting to know this new me and I am in no hurry to label her. To put her into a box or choose a filter through which the world gets to see her. I am, probably for the first time in my life, taking each day as it comes. Being present. Observing. Tuning in and asking myself. What feels good? What resonates? What feels like me? Not the old me. Not who the world thinks I should be. Not who I (I being my ego self) think I should be. But rather, the truly authentic me in this new era.
Ambi, who is now also a Mama.
So onward I go each day, holding hands with my toddler, marveling at the all the newness around us, stumbling, sometimes falling, but constantly learning and expanding into who we are meant to be.
Cheers to Motherhood as an alchemic tool of rebirth with the added bonus of a soulmate along for the ride.